“Who is my neighbor?” Jesus answers that question in two parables: the Good Samaritan and the Last Judgment. In both of these timeless stories Jesus teaches us that there is a direct connection between our love of God and love of neighbor. There are times, however, when we do not see the neighbor in our midst who is in need, the neighbor who lives in poverty. Or if we do encounter someone in need, we may not know how best to respond.

The Good News of Jesus Christ, Son of God and Word Made Flesh, invites Christians to see the world in a new way. That challenge has been relevant down through the ages, but today it is urgent. Many of our neighbors, near and far, are crying for help. Poverty remains a reality in our region and in many parts of the world. Those in poverty are our brothers and sisters, our neighbors, trying to get our attention. The Church is especially called upon to recognize our neighbors in need, provide care, and engage the entire community to find solutions that can help them break the cycle of poverty.

Click here to read the Pastoral Letter of the Most Rev. George V. Murry, S.J. on the occasion of national poverty awareness month.

Visit the Diocese of Youngstown Catholic Charities Campaign to Reduce Poverty website for more resources

Complicated grief

The sadness of losing someone you love never goes away completely, but it shouldn’t remain center stage. If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from resuming your life, you may be suffering from a condition known as complicated grief. Complicated grief is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning. You may have trouble accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts your daily routine and undermines your other relationships.

Symptoms of complicated grief include:

• Intense longing and yearning for the deceased
• Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one
• Denial of the death or sense of disbelief
• Imagining that your loved one is alive
• Searching for the person in familiar places
• Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one
• Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss
• Feeling that life is empty or meaningless

The difference between grief and depression

Distinguishing between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy, since they share many symptoms. However, there are ways to tell the difference. Remember, grief can be a roller coaster. It involves a wide variety of emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even when you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will have moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, on the other hand, the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant.

Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief:

• Intense, pervasive sense of guilt.
• Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying.
• Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness.
• Slow speech and body movements
• Inability to function at work, home, and/or school.
• Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there.

Can antidepressants help grief?

As a general rule, normal grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants. While medication may relieve some of the symptoms of grief, it cannot treat the cause, which is the loss itself. Furthermore, by numbing the pain that must be worked through eventually, antidepressants delay the mourning process.

• Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.
• Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
• Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.
• Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.
• Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

Finding support after a loss

• Turn to friends and family members – Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need – whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.

• Draw comfort from your faith – If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you – such as praying, meditating, or going to church – can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.

• Join a support group – Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.

• Talk to a therapist or grief counselor – If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving.

How to support a grieving person

If someone you care about has suffered a loss, you can help them heal by asking about their feelings, spending time just being with them, and listening when they want to talk. Learn more.

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up.

The five stages of grief:

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not everyone who is grieving goes through all of these stages – and that’s okay. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.

Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

Source: Hospice Foundation of America

There is no right or wrong way to grieve — but there are healthy ways to cope with the pain. You can get through it! Grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life.

 What Is Grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one – and this type of loss does often cause the most intense grief. But any loss can cause grief, including:

The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief. However, even subtle losses can lead to grief. For example, you might experience grief after moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, selling your family home, or retiring from a career you loved.

Everyone grieves differently

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

Lord, how can I enter into this season of joy? In my head I celebrate your birth into this world, but in my everyday life, I am filled with a grief that runs so very deep. You blessed me with a loving relationship and now it is gone from my life. How can I be faithful to that love and the memory of that love and my sorrow in this season of “Rejoice!”??

Tears are so close to the surface all the time and helpful friends who want to “keep me busy” don’t seem to really understand that I need to embrace my grief. I am afraid of letting go of the sadness and losing the deep love connection I had.

Instead of entering into the Rejoice of Christmas, I long for the sorrow of Lent. I beg you Lord, show me how the two are connected. I ponder the name Emmanuel and know that it means “God with us.” With us. With me in this world, in this sorrow. If I look beyond my pain, I know that you, too, suffered so much in this world. I never understood so clearly before that Emmanuel is what your nativity is really about. You are in my world, in my pain.

Thank you, Lord, for the loved one you blessed my life with. Grant me now in my grief, a peace. Give me a comfort that might not make the tears go away, but that lets me feel your presence as you take up a place deep in my heart, with me.

Pope Benedict’s World Day of Peace Message for January 1, 2012, is devoted to “Educating Young People in Justice and Peace.” The message laments that “some currents of modern culture, built upon rationalist and individualist economic principles, have cut off the concept of justice from its transcendent roots, detaching it from charity and solidarity.”

Two quotes:

About educating in justice:
“We cannot ignore the fact that some currents of modern culture, built upon rationalist and individualist economic principles, have cut off the concept of justice from its transcendent roots, detaching it from charity and solidarity.”

About educating in peace:
“In order to be true peacemakers, we must educate ourselves in compassion, solidarity, working together, fraternity, in being active within the community and concerned to raise awareness about national and international issues and the importance of seeking adequate mechanisms for the redistribution of wealth, the promotion of growth, cooperation for development and conflict resolution.”

Message of Peace

Who is your ray of hope this season?

The grief and changes in your life have brought darkness and turmoil.
Like a ride on roller coaster you are experiencing thoughts, feelings and physical symptoms that are like a rude intruder. You yearn for the love… you miss the familiar. You are on a journey you did not want or plan to be on.

The Holidays, with all the happy memories and expectations seem to exaggerate the emptiness.
It seems even more difficult when family and friends don’t realize that your heart still aches. They don’t seem to understand that you don’t have the energy to partake in the season with all the usual flair. Cooking meals, writing cards, buying gifts and other activities seem so out of place. Doesn’t anyone understand what you are feeling? Does anyone care?

This is not going to be a perfect Holiday.
Can you give yourself permission to claim that for yourself? The circle of life seems broken. Where in the brokenness can you find the strength to endure?

Strength comes from the ability to cherish the wisdom of grief.
Listen to your soul without judgment. In recalling the days gone by, do not run from the message that your loved ones are forever etched in your mind and heart. Take the time to acknowledge each and every morsel that falls upon your tongue. Taste and see it is not forgotten. Tell the story of life, of the circle of love you have traveled. Trust in your need also to be quiet, to cry, to scream, to pray, to be who you are now.

This is the beginning of the season of hope.
Yes, this Holiday and time of year will be different than the past. You will survive. The circle of life brings life. One dies and we remain with the task of building bridges from shattered pieces. It is not easy. Let no one tell you it is easy, or reduce your struggle to a useless cliche. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to your loved one. Your relationship, for the good and bad, and even ordinary passings made you who you are today. You will survive. You are molded, formed and different because you have shared a life together.

Yes. Let this be your season of hope.
Let no one rob you of your grief. You have been robbed of hopes, dreams and tomorrows that once seemed possible. Believe there is a purpose to the love and life you shared, and you will not forget it. Look for the meaning and the depth of what you have known and discover how it can help pave the way for a time of silence and of renewal. Let this be your season of hope!

Twelve Ways to Face the Twelve Days of Christmas and other Festive Occasions

Planning for the holidays and deciding on practical matters may be overwhelming. Set priorities and limits on what you do and don’t do. If it’s too much, to cook or decorate, ask others to help or delegate chores including shopping and decorating.

Have dinner somewhere else; make it a buffet instead of a sit down. Go to a different place of worship. Change the location of the tree or other holiday decorations or leave them out completely. Go with the flow of your heart.

The wonderful thing about a mind is that you can always change it. Grief can cause unpredictable mood swings. If you make a plan always communicate your need for an open door policy. This is not the time to worry about what others think about you.

Before making decisions it might be helpful to share feelings, needs and suggestions. One way to do this is to just give everyone a time to speak without interruption and without judgment. Listen to each other and try to create an atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding.

If there are children in the family circle listen to their ideas and suggestions. Include them in the problem solving and in the planning. Out of the mouths of babes often come wisdom that can be useful for planning the day as well as acknowledging their grief feelings and importance to the family.

What is the gift your loved one gave you? If you give gifts, share something that in some way connects the gift to your loved one, their hobby or favorite color. If shopping malls are too stressful use catalogues, gift certificates or even special items that belonged to your loved one.

The stress of grief and the holiday madness can create undue anxiety and tension. Take time for relaxation whether it be a massage, exercise, or a day in the country. Do something good for yourself!

To thine own self be true. Take time to talk about your feelings and thoughts who a friend or loved one. Sometimes attempting to be strong is just not necessary. Make time for rituals and healing moments that permit access to your heart and spirit.

Honor the life of your loved one by saying their name, displaying photo albums, talking about favorite memories, lighting a candle in their honor. Letting others know your comfort in talking about your loved one will help them open up as well.

If you need to get away to a new location or completely delete the holiday experience do so and let go of the guilt. Although we know we can not run away from the grief sometimes we need a space and place far removed from the everyday reminders. If that is so give yourself permission and go.

Some find it walking on the beach, same in church, some in meditation, music and prayer. Do whatever it is for you that somehow brings you to the quiet place within.

Remembering that anything can be changed at the last minute. Have some tentative plan for some time in the day. Be gentle with yourself. This will not be a perfect day…Listen to your heart and to an inner wisdom

Some people find it helpful to be with family and friends, emphasizing the familiar. Others may wish to avoid old sights and sounds, perhaps even taking a trip. Others will find new ways to acknowledge the season.

Here are some key points:

• Plan for the approaching holidays. Be aware that this might be a difficult time for you. The additional stress may affect you emotionally, cognitively, and physically; this is a normal reaction. It is important to be prepared for these feelings.
• Recognize that holidays won’t be the same. If you try to keep everything as it was, you’ll be disappointed. Doing things a bit differently can acknowledge the change while preserving continuity with the past.
• Be careful not to isolate yourself. It’s alright to take time for yourself but don’t cut yourself off from the support of family and friends.
• The holidays may affect other family members. Talk over your plans. Respect their choices and needs, and compromise if necessary.
• Avoid additional stress. Decide what you really want to do, and what can be avoided.